Friday, February 29, 2008

Another Seth and Grumpers

Today's S&G is titled: Sonnet Fu

Please avoid enjoying this doggerel at all costs. Its prosaic and clumsy attempt to hack down the tree of humor is an insult to the art form. The author's execution should be aired on prime time television.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The latest S&G

Here's the latest Seth and Grumpers -- the world's worst web comic.
You know that experiment where you put chicken bones in vinegar and they eventually get all rubbery?

Well, what if you could hold a mouthful of vinegar for a real long time? Then your teeth would get all rubbery and awesome!


Monday, February 25, 2008

Time for PUNishment

Lemma 1: Making puns is evil.
Lemma 2: Evil people deserve retribution.

Extrapolation 1: People who make puns are evil.
Extrapolation 2: People who make puns deserve retribution.

Conclusion: The next time you hear someone make a pun (and every time thereafter), you should (morally speaking) punch him or her in the mouth, while holding a bottle of vanilla extract in your fist.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Idea: Make a robot that is programmed to mug people. The robot then takes the proceeds from its actions to RadioShack and purchases enough parts to make a copy of itself. The copy and the original continue the scheme, until there are no more robot parts. Or no more people to mug. Or no more RadioShacks. We will call them Mug-U-Latorz!

Unsung Heroes

So, here's my latest awesome idea. A series of children's stories, each featuring a new and exciting historical figure who is as ridiculous as they are unappreciated.

Currently started: Athanasius Kircher is held hostage by pirates and threatened with death unless he bakes the best pastry they have ever eaten.

Other people to be written about:
John Dee
Evariste Galois
Antoine-Augustin Parmentier

Who else is important to include in the list?

3 Stooges

According to the three stooges, the following rhyme is better than eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

One zell, two zell, three zell, zam.
The buck-tail vinegar, tickle, and tam.
Ham, scram, the butcher man.
See, saw, buck, out.

Just, FYI.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Garfield, we've reached a plateau.

I think all the Garfield hating has gone far enough, although not necessarily too far. Not that I'm defending Davis' body of work or any merit it may or may not have. And not that isn't awesome. I just feel that the popularity of mocking that particular comic strip has outgrown the degree to which it deserves to, and can enjoyably, be ridiculed.

The time is right to move on.

Now let's make fun of Cathy, Family Circus, or Johnny Appleseed... maybe George Washington Carver?

P.S. Everyone should read about Antoine-Augustin Parmentier on wikipedia:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Jeremiah Bible: Prophet for Profit

Conceived of the proprietor of a Woolworth's franchise and an illegal Mexican cleaning lady at a baseball stadium in a moment of very highly alcoholed and mistaken passion, he hit the road at the age of sixteen with a guitar and a Bible full of misquotes. He traveled the highways of America for years, spreading the not-quite-Word of God, holding pitch-tent revivals and singing ballads to Jezuz, the one and only Son. (The fact that his interest lay more in the Wayward variety was quite lost on his pulpit.)

Rock-a-Bible, Rhythm-and-Bluegrass, God's-Country, whatever the public watched. Jeremiah was in no short supply of chords, words or hordes. Not to mention that the preacher was an expert in the personal instruction of young, impressionable ladies not likely to spread rumors. His apex, both in fame, skill, and amount-of-life-left-behind-him, occurred, unironically, "at the crossroads" -- MacHennessy and 17th Country Road -- where he met the devil. Although short one fiddle, a bargain was struck regarding scales, octaves and tempos.

The battle lasted for almost twelve hours, it's said, until both parties were worn, tired, and out of bandages with which to mend their fingers. It was agreed at that time that Jeremiah Bible would be spared the torments of Hell -- in his case, an eternity of tone-deaf skeptics -- in exchange for teaching a young black man how to play guitar better than anyone else.

Derds and the women who love them

Imagine that there is an English word smack dab in the middle of the semanti-scape between 'nerd' and 'dork.' Pretend that the word is 'derd.' Here is a list of the derdiest physical artifacts:

1) Broken horn-rimmed glasses with a piece of tape in the middle
2) Pocket protector
Tied for 3) Fanny Pack
Tied for 3) Suspenders
Tied for 3) Orthodontic head gear

Further suggestions for artifacts that should be listed under "Tied for 3)" are welcome and encouraged. Comment containing arguments regarding "1)" and "2)" will be mocked and subsequently deleted.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Fire of Life

Today it was determined that the Phoenix, the mythical bird of flame, was, in fact, a giant flaming homosexual. This perfectly explains its inability to procreate in any way save for burning to death (like a heathen) and being reborn (again, like a heathen), as flaming as ever (like a heathen again).

Monday, February 18, 2008

The Best Scavenger Hunt I've Ever Made

You need:
A Pen
A favorite (or least favorite) coffee shop


Go to the above mentioned coffee shop. Make up a scavenger hunt. Start by leaving a card explaining that this is a scavenger hunt and leave it relatively obvious place. Probably not right out in the open, but somewhere people check often. Random drawers in furniture works well for this. Also write a clue (puns, rhymes, etc make it a lot more fun than saying "the next clue is under the table." Draw some pictures if you can draw, people like pictures.) Go on like this as long as you want, and try your best to leave them in more and more obscure places, to reduce the risk of someone starting your scavenger hunt halfway through.

The very last card should say "Congratulations! You've completed our scavenger hunt! Please give this coupon to the barista in exchange for a free small espresso drink!" Sign it "-The BLAHBLAHCOFFEESHOP Management"

Hot Doggles

You will need:
Four hot dogs
Two toothpicks

Pretend that the red sticks are hot dogs, and the black lines are toothpicks... and that I can draw. The toothpicks create a hinge for your hypermodern 1980s-style visor. You can wear these sporty and dashing new fashion declarations any time you want to be attacked by a pack of wild dogs, or would like to contract a meat-borne eye infection.


Nyctograph is a device for storing ideas. Namely, our ideas. The crazy fucking ideas we have all the time that we spout to each other and that consequently go abso-fucking-lutely nowhere.

So, imagine a huge concert, where KISS is playing all their rockin' music. The audience is composed entirely of badgers. Badgers with KISS make-up designs on their faces instead of two black stripes.

I didn't say they'd be good ideas. Just... ideas.